Confused

Papa is going to Madina with all but I have duty tomorrow and not going with him. But there is strange feeling inside me I am confused about.

pehle kuch aisa mehsoos ho raha tha jaise mein Nabi SAW se pyar he nahi karta. phir ajeeb bechaini rahi ke mein bhi jaon magar safar ke mazay ka khayal aata raha. Madina ya harm ka koi khayal nahi aaya. shayad mera dil aur demaagh confuse ho rahe the. I only find peace there as long I stays there. but usually don't stay in Madina for long, to not get bored and not to decrease my curosity. But I made up my mind in my last trip that I will come to Madina with my wife. And Allah will help me for sure and will take me to Nabi SAW ke dar pe. shAllah Ameen

Its hard for me to control my tears in my eyes right at this moment and thinking that kyun mein ne khud apnay liye yeh kaisi shart rakh li hai. magar kya karon mein apni bewi ko saath le kar jana chahta hoon. Ya Allah meri bechaini kam kar aur mujhe Madinay jane ka rasta de. Ameen